Good vibes only
In last week’s post, I explained how our thoughts replicate our physical environment.
We also replicate the feelings of those around us. Surround yourself with stressed people and you will be more stressed.
Live with chilled-out happy people and you have much higher chances of being chilled out and happy.
Read any amount of self-help and you’ll be very aware that “you are the result of the 5 people you spend the most time with”
However, there are some nuances to be mindful of.
Beware unambitious peers
I love skiing. I can forget life and focus on increasing a skill purely for my own enjoyment.
I’m pretty good at skiing and pretty good at enjoying myself.
Skiing with Newbies
I love skiing with newbies.
They go slowly on gentle slopes. This gives me plenty of chances to work on my technique and style. Balance on one leg, only turn in one direction, go down backwards, frolic in the jumps on the side of the piste etc… This is hard when going fast.
Learners ask me questions that make me understand the fundamentals of what I’m actually doing. This increases my insight for doing more challenging and builds my base.
Skiing with pros
I love skiing with advanced skiers
I’m crashing around off-piste, on-piste and just trying to keep up and not kill myself or anyone else.
I get advice from people that know what they’re doing.
Skiing BFFs
My favourite people to ski with are friends with my level, interests and mindset.
They want to improve and do scary things. Egging each other on to try different challenges and inspiring each other.
You never feel like you’re holding them back and you also never feel like you’re showing off or waiting around.
So who don’t I like skiing with?
Good but Unambitious Skiers
People at my level who don’t want to improve. This is the worst.
They just go down the pistes quite fast and that’s it. Too fast to play and learn fun things. Too slow to push my edges. Just meh.
I can ski for a week with people at my level and feel like I learn nothing.
People that stop you from being yourself
Ultimately I like skiing and I’m going to be myself around other skiers regardless.
Mostly, I am not a result of the people I spend time skiing with.
I am only held back by the few that stop me from being myself.
That is a lesson for life.
Instead of focussing on all the types of people we want to be like. We should stay away from the people that prevent us from being ourselves.
Helpful and unhelpful stories
Following on from this we can look at how this applies in our work and aspirations.
We are confined by any limitations we believe in, physically or mentally.
Limitations are stories that we believe in due to our experience and the expectations of our peers and society.
It can be useful to think bigger, it can also be useful to think smaller.
Story of Gumroad
When Sahil Lavingia launched Gumroad in Silicon Valley he was thinking big.
At the heart of startups and VCs, he was out to build the next billion-dollar empire for creators. Revenue grew but he struggled to achieve the level of growth required to be a unicorn. He felt like a failure. He was ready to quit completely and laid off most of his staff.
He stabilised Gumroad’s modest revenue and kept things ticking over whilst he moved to Arizona to destress.
In Arizona, the dream of the good life meant something different to Silicon Valley. People wanted work-life balance, flexible work with good pay. Over some time the realisation Sahil that he already had this dream!
In fact, lowering his aspirational ceiling of income and raising his ceiling of freedom changed his mindset. It restored his energy to work on the business again. He enjoyed putting in work to grow a lifestyle business and it became very successful.
It isn’t a billion-dollar startup that is IPO’ing, but he is making millions every year and can do whatever the hell he wants.
Limitations of what can make you happy
The aspirations of your peers can be a dangerous thing if your goal is contentment.
It can drive you to spend years in stress. Being ‘yourself’ is on hold until after.
☝ On the subject of limitations of happiness
There is little benefit learning the art of fine wine, coffee, whiskey etc…
You spend time and money so that you can no longer enjoy things that aren’t expensive.
Now you need to spend more money (and often time) to find things that can make you happy.
Creating limitations on happiness for no benefit.
(Obviously if you are naturally obsessed, that’s great, go be yourself 🍷)
A fish doesn’t know it’s in water.
You don’t see your culture and it’s hard to notice your aspirations being controlled by others.
Reality checks
I find it helpful to have friends with very different lifestyles to keep me grounded.
Friends that find my lifestyle weird.
Old people, young people.
You don’t need to surround yourself with them, but to have a check-in every now and then. The ones that ask you difficult questions that help you to be yourself.
One of my favourite conversations recently was with my nan’s sister. She reminded me that life is short. I don’t have a second backup life when I can get round to the things I really want to do.
Some helpful questions:
I am putting my energy directly into the thing I want to do or is that postponed until after this current project?
Is there a faster way to reach the lifestyle I want?
Who are my idols? Why? Could I have better idols?
Pick 5 of your favourite but very different people to you, what would they tell you?